“If someone treats your feelings as unimportant or lets you down in large or small ways frequently, drop them fast. You are not dreaming, and they will always be that way. Three strikes is enough.” -Jeb Kinnison
There are times in life when you have to learn lessons through your own experience. Someone can tell you many times to not play too closely to the fire, but you won’t learn until you get burned.
In my case, I got burned many times before I learned better. There are many of us in our life development who are naive to relationships and love. Disney movies, TV shows, romantic comedies, media, and even our fellow naive friends tell us that love will conquer all. If you love, the relationship will last and you can put up with anything, even if it is emotional abuse or severe lack of attention or affection. My understanding nature worked against me in this way. I would explain away my ex’s behavior, It’s because of his childhood that he’s like that. He said he’s trying. Maybe he’s right, I’m not appreciating his efforts enough. Yet that is the crux of abuse–the abuser manipulates you to buy into their broken and selfish way of thinking, and you unwittingly begin to operate under his control. His actions speak louder than words. And my thinking is what led me to collude in the emotional abuse I experienced.
But regardless of someone’s background or situation, hurtful or abusive behavior is never, ever okay.
I had it right the first time, when I asked for both of our needs to be attended to during our relationship. But in his subconscious mind, his needs were the only ones that mattered, and if I argued otherwise, I was “making it hard on him”… and he would go into a rage for good measure. The sick part of the relationship was whatever issues I brought up, he would twist it and put it back on me, making the same “complaints” about me. And I almost bought into it. Almost. Now, I am happily disillusioned. His behaviors were prime examples of his primitive defense mechanisms… projection being the most frequent one (i.e., his being mad at me for not valuing him and attending to his feelings, when he was the one who struggled with both in the span of our relationship).
Yet for abusers, or narcissists, blaming things on you, or splitting their “bad parts” and projecting them onto you, are their methods of protecting and defending themselves. The reason why: they have a deep-seeded belief and fear that they are worthless or inadequate. So they will do anything–whether it is manipulating, guilt-peddling, raging, physically abusing, throwing out every defense in the book–to avoid facing the person they fear they are. It is easy for them, for that reason, to make you into the bad person, so they can be guilt- and responsibility-free… but at your expense.
In the abuser’s mind, your feelings don’t matter, and may never will. Empathy is oftentimes lost on them. So it doesn’t matter how much you love that person, to him or her, it will never be enough. They are focused on taking and taking, and you must give and give–a one-sided arrangement that will never benefit you in the long run.
But here’s the thing. A good, healthy relationship consists of mutual respect and equal balance of power. You deserve to have someone hearing your feelings and needs, just as you do the same for your partner. You have the right to take responsibility for your things only, and not your partner’s issues or hurtful behavior. You also have a right to your feelings and reactions, as well as the right to be human and make mistakes. You deserve to have emotional support, and to ask for help or for changes. These are basic needs in any relationship. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
And if anyone does violate your rights, well, I of all people know how hard it is to leave. But perhaps it is easier to start with first seeing that you deserve love and respect and to have your rights acknowledged. Every moment is a chance to change your life for the better. Sometimes it’s a process, and it takes a series of moments to get you to the next step. I know for me, my path was a windy one. But as of this moment, I can say with confidence that I will never allow anyone to abuse or treat me with disrespect again… and I will do whatever it takes to make healthier choices in my life.