diary entry #2

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There are times when I’m in the thick of my emotions, and I need some external kick to bring me back to earth. For me, I’ve noticed that it helps to aid another person in their struggles during those times. I would still argue that it’s important for me, or anyone, to acknowledge and address their feelings, but sometimes there are moments when you want to be reminded that no matter how shitty you feel, there are people out there who value you and even need you. That despite all the shit that’s been tossed your way, it doesn’t define who you are. There are people in your life who you are important to and need you to be there for them, and that far outweighs all of the shit.

Earlier tonight, I was in one of those times, and I felt my past getting triggered in my current relationship. The logical part of me knew that nothing in my relationship is like the past, and if anything, it’s different in a good and healthy way. In actuality, it’s been a great reminder of my own progress and growth. With all of the self-work I’ve done, I have concrete evidence showing me that I’ve built the tools needed to enter into a healthy relationship.

But just like any other human being, I still struggle with things, and I have my emotional triggers. I’m realizing how much I still carry some of the pain of my past relationships, and how I need to work through some of those emotions. Tonight, those emotions rolled over and gripped at me. I felt as if I were being ignored, tossed aside and passed over yet again, even though nothing of the sort was logically occurring. But the fear and pain were chewing at me, until I wanted to retreat far away inside myself.

Just as I crouched on the floor and began to cry, a friend messaged me. He was going through a situation and he needed someone to talk to. Immediately I felt this jolt. Instead of spiraling down into my despair, his need stopped my spiral and grounded me. Anna, I know how triggered you feel, but someone needs you now.

So I got up and attended to my friend. And afterward, I felt a lot better. It struck me then how powerful it can be to be of help to another human being. And even more, it challenged my spiral; instead of soaking in thoughts of being unloved and not enough, in the very next moment, I was given proof that contrary to how I feel, I am loved and enough. There are people who see something in you and it’s about time that you start seeing that in yourself. That’s a fight I need to start taking on.

But the thing is, no matter how many people you help, your baggage doesn’t magically go away. You still need to attend to that, as well as yourself and your feelings. Even as I write this, I feel remnants of those heavy emotions and I know I’ll need to face them head on. But it’s good to surround yourself with good people, and good reminders of the honest to God truth, that we are worthy, lovable and enough just by being who we are… regardless of how people have treated us.

in comes you

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Thoughts come in one after the other, slipping in and quickly by. Some are tourists, some are occasional visitors, and others are regulars. I acquaint myself with a few of them, while some others I attempt to dismiss as they seem too grumpy and negative.

And then there’s you. Coming in day after day, minute after minute, and I can barely catch my breath and relish a reprieve. Before I know it, I expect your presence, yearn for it even, and in my heart I feel that familiar swell, one that I would never be able to stop, like a fast-moving train, crashing into me and exploding into millions of glimmering sparkles, warming me in hollow darkness, on the coldest of winter nights.

Yes, a few thoughts have become my enemies, and others have become my close companions. Yet you are the beauty in the tension, the thought I wish I could erase, the thought that I cannot get enough of. I want to push you far away into the distant heavens, but hug you close because I do not wish to imagine a space in time when you’ll no longer come, when your visits become sparse and slowly die away.

And there you sit, in muted reality, without a clue of what you really mean to me, of who you have become in my mind. As much as I have tried to fight it, you are no longer a tourist, or even a regular. You are so much more than I can even begin to fathom.

diary entry

                           The-Simple-Act-of-Loving-Well

There’s this guy at Starbucks that I have a big crush on. Every Monday and Tuesday, before I head to work, I see him.

Most of the time, the extent of our conversations are if I want sweetener in my latte, or honey with my tea.

Once I tried to strike up a conversation with him. My heart pounded in my chest, I swore he could hear it, and I felt vulnerable, bare, and stupid.  We just talked about sprained wrists.

Whenever I see him, I wonder if he feels attracted to me too, or if I’m just spinning fantastical fairy tales in my head as I’m prone to do, or if I’m just a regular customer to him, another face in the crowd.

He remembers my name.

But that doesn’t mean anything.

He looks so calm, cool, and collected. So it makes me want to play cool too.

Yet to what end? Here I sit, here many of us sit, chewing on our feelings, putting up a “cool” mask, holding back for the sake of social propriety, saving ourselves from the risk of being vulnerable because it fucking sucks to hurt.

I wish I didn’t have to hold back. I wish I could just fearlessly say what I really feel. I wish vulnerability wasn’t seen as so ugly or scary in society, but seen for what it really is: real, genuine, and beautiful.