the curse of exes, part 2

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Even though it’s been almost a year. Even though it has been months since we last talked. Even though you care more for yourself than me. Even though I know all of this too well.

Even still. You are the negative voice in my head, throwing fuel to the flames of my fears. You are the ghost that seems to haunt me everywhere, no matter where I go. You are the wall standing in between my current taste of happiness, to a new potential hope for moving on. Even as I look at him, your residual energy distorts his face and all I see is you. All I hear is you. And the fear shouts at me, convincing me that you have resurrected to come hurt me again, to shame me, and tell me to shut up and behave. My mind goes crazy and my emotions shift into overdrive, and I can no longer discern what is real, and what is just you.

My friends tell me, “Why are you giving him so much power? He hurt you badly and now you’re going to give him the pleasure of stealing the joy of your next relationship too?” And I do not argue, because they are right. Because not only are you an emotional abuser and raging narcissist, you are a thief. I am sure your jealousy is appeased.

Yet the fault lies with me this time. I am letting you steal my present moment. I am letting you taint everyone I encounter.

But I won’t let you. Why? Because I realize something now. Despite all the good memories and affection and times you told me you loved me, the cold, hard truth has risen from the murky water. You never truly loved me. You only fully saw me when we first met. And soon after, I became someone else to you, someone I’m not. I became what you wanted me to be.

But like hell I am going to let you make everyone else who comes into my life who you want them to be. You never cared for my happiness. It was, is, and never will be fair the way you distort people for your ego. Like hell I am going to let your distortions forever infect my mind.

Exes come, and exes go. Some morph into benign ghosts, others take the form of unrelenting demons. I’ll be frank: I wanted better. I wanted things to work. I wanted our dreams for the future to come true. But I cannot hold onto those wants anymore–you never really wanted them anyway. And I deserve better than that. I deserve better than you.

Yes, perhaps you may not understand how badly you hurt me. And perhaps I should release you and pay forgiveness for the sole reason of having a peace of mind within myself. But all the trash you gave to me, the black gunk and slime–I send it back to you. Right where it belongs.

Darling Ghost, may you rest in lovely peace.

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