I wish I had someone to tell my intense realizations to, so blogging about them seems to be the next best thing.
You know that feeling you get, when your at the precipice of radical change in your life? You’ve gotten tired of the same shit, the same narrative–like a drug addict, you hit rock bottom and it fully sinks in you’ve been seeking after something fake, tawdry and harmful. So you make the decision to end the chaos and change your direction.
That’s where I’m at. I’m at the close.
I was in a yearlong relationship with a boy suffering from narcissistic tendencies–a boy who gas-lighted and emotionally abused me. A boy who demanded that I take on his emotional burdens and compromise myself for him, while doggedly blaming and shaming me for asking for reciprocity in emotional support. It took me about 6 months to heal from all the damage he caused. At the end of this process, everything was coming full circle. Projective identification–he did not want to admit to his own weak ego, so in protecting it, he guilt-tripped and lashed out at me and put everything back on me. He took no responsibility. To add insult to injury, he expected me to not only carry all of my burdens, but his as well.
So that is why today was so empowering, so symbolic. I walked up to his house in contained silence, holding my breath as my feet crunched fallen leaves on his driveway. I prayed that he could not hear me from inside his house, that he was not alerted to my presence. When I was at his front door, I placed all of his things down–and I mean, all. Not just his material possessions… but also all the psychic, emotional burdens he constantly shoved onto me throughout our year together. All the things that were his and he never took responsibility for. All of his pain and baggage. All the things I took on because I did not know any better, because he expected me to. All the things he blamed me for because he was too weak to own, when in reality, it was his. All the chaos and bad fruit he reaped.
But I know better now. Six months of therapy, piles of self-help books, and two journals later, I am wiser. I am not who I used to be.
I took a deep breath, and in additional to his possessions, I dumped every piece of toxicity he tried to give me. My therapist’s voice was singing in my ears. None of this is mine. So I give it back to you. May God be with you.
Walking away, I felt a sense of cleansing, as if a waterfall was streaming down my soul. I felt released. He can no longer touch me.
For me, the era that is coming to an end is the era of putting up with ill-treatment from others, of settling, of taking on all the burdens of others at the expense of myself. I am completely weary of one-sided relationships. I want something different. Someone healthy. I have every right to my needs, to my thoughts and feelings. Everyone deserves a relationship where there is mutual emotional support. It is not my job to soothe everyone’s feelings or to take care of them, no matter how much they try to hold me to them. I no longer need to sacrifice myself for others, while they do very little for me. It is okay to consider myself and my needs. It is okay to express them.
To all my like-hearted readers, this is the huge step in healing from abuse–emotional, physical, or otherwise. Reject your abuser’s worldview. They may very well only be interested in protecting their weak ego, and meeting their own selfish needs. Leave them to their pit of darkness, and know that you can reject all the toxicity they tried to give to you. It is not for you to hold. It is theirs. Give yourself permission to be free.
Now I am free. And this is my mantra for my new chapter: whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to shift my narrative, my life toward one that is healthy and positive, I will do it. I will do the work. Because I deserve better than what I have been given. I will work and grow, until I have the life I desperately need. Whatever it takes.