After 27 years of living, I finally understand what it means to have your heart thrown and smashed into a 1000 pieces. Anyone who has been broken up with will know.
They say love is all about taking a leap of faith. Although in the back of my mind I knew there was a possibility that I would fall, now that it has become reality, each day feels like I’m getting punched in the heart repeatedly. The hours, the minutes stretch to an agonizing length, and tomorrow never comes soon enough. Dreams are plagued by the ex-lover’s spirit and sleep never lasts for too long. Food tastes like sand and you gag at the idea of stuffing your face at a buffet. Not to mention the urge to see, text, call the person, despite the knowledge that they don’t want your call. Why else would they have ended it? Get it into your brain that they don’t want or care for you, you attempt to say to yourself, sometimes to no avail.
Then I struggle with all the hodgepodge of emotions. The anger – of how guilty he made me feel for communicating my feelings, and for planning a future with me, saying he loved me, days before hastily breaking up. The sadness – of his absence in my day-to-day life and the sinking reality that I will never get to have the comfort of his hug again. And the grief – of having lost one of my closest friends.
On top of the heaping pile that comes with breaking up, life decides to take a shit on you some more by creating fires in other areas of your life. I half-expect God to be looking down, saying, Oh, you think life is hard? Well, let’s throw in this and this for good measure.
My only saving graces are my faith, and my loved ones. I’m not sure where I’d be without them and their immense support.
But even there too, people can throw heavy balls at you. Friends telling you to “just be strong,” “you’ll learn to be more independent from this,” and that “you deserve better anyway.” On some level, I recognize the grain of truth in their words, but at the same time, my mind screams out, “I’m killing myself over here just trying to stay strong. That’s not the issue. I’m overwhelmed, I’m at my breaking point.” Having to put on a brave face at work and the people around you (excluding your closest family/friends), gets exhausting–especially when you know that if given the opportunity, you’d burst into tears at any second.
I feel bad too, because any human being can only tolerate you talking about your sadness or ex for so long. Then you’re alone, just as your ex left you, having to make sense of something that holds very little logic.
I write this as a way of validating myself and my experiences, and also of validating others who are going through the same process. To those out there who know how this feels, I say to you: I hear you. This royally sucks. It gives me a modicum of comfort to know that there are others out there in the universe who know what I’m suffering.
The only thing that makes sense to me is this. Alanis Morissette recommends us “getting our hearts trampled on.” Why? Because, as she phrases it, “You live, you learn. You love, you learn. You cry, you learn. You lose, you learn. You bleed, you learn. You scream, you learn.” In other words, every single experience you’ll have in life will mold and shape you, and leave you with a valuable lesson that can ultimately build you into a better person. Putting yourself out there, with arms open to life, is the only way you’ll live, and the only way you’ll learn. So to my fellow heartbroken compadres out there: let us continue to live, to learn, to fight and carry on.