diary entry #2


There are times when I’m in the thick of my emotions, and I need some external kick to bring me back to earth. For me, I’ve noticed that it helps to aid another person in their struggles during those times. I would still argue that it’s important for me, or anyone, to acknowledge and address their feelings, but sometimes there are moments when you want to be reminded that no matter how shitty you feel, there are people out there who value you and even need you. That despite all the shit that’s been tossed your way, it doesn’t define who you are. There are people in your life who you are important to and need you to be there for them, and that far outweighs all of the shit.

Earlier tonight, I was in one of those times, and I felt my past getting triggered in my current relationship. The logical part of me knew that nothing in my relationship is like the past, and if anything, it’s different in a good and healthy way. In actuality, it’s been a great reminder of my own progress and growth. With all of the self-work I’ve done, I have concrete evidence showing me that I’ve built the tools needed to enter into a healthy relationship.

But just like any other human being, I still struggle with things, and I have my emotional triggers. I’m realizing how much I still carry some of the pain of my past relationships, and how I need to work through some of those emotions. Tonight, those emotions rolled over and gripped at me. I felt as if I were being ignored, tossed aside and passed over yet again, even though nothing of the sort was logically occurring. But the fear and pain were chewing at me, until I wanted to retreat far away inside myself.

Just as I crouched on the floor and began to cry, a friend messaged me. He was going through a situation and he needed someone to talk to. Immediately I felt this jolt. Instead of spiraling down into my despair, his need stopped my spiral and grounded me. Anna, I know how triggered you feel, but someone needs you now.

So I got up and attended to my friend. And afterward, I felt a lot better. It struck me then how powerful it can be to be of help to another human being. And even more, it challenged my spiral; instead of soaking in thoughts of being unloved and not enough, in the very next moment, I was given proof that contrary to how I feel, I am loved and enough. There are people who see something in you and it’s about time that you start seeing that in yourself. That’s a fight I need to start taking on.

But the thing is, no matter how many people you help, your baggage doesn’t magically go away. You still need to attend to that, as well as yourself and your feelings. Even as I write this, I feel remnants of those heavy emotions and I know I’ll need to face them head on. But it’s good to surround yourself with good people, and good reminders of the honest to God truth, that we are worthy, lovable and enough just by being who we are… regardless of how people have treated us.

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